Untold secrets of L&D

I know about 83 million people having babies in 2011, many of whom are first time parents. This combined with the fact that my little Scooter is a month shy of her first birthday got me reflecting on that fateful March day. Now, anyone who knows me will tell you I love being prepared. I mean prepared in a way that I have a basement stocked with canned food, I mapquest and GPS all directions, and layout my clothing the night before. Yeah, that kind of prepared. So naturally when I found out I was expecting I read all the books (I mean ALL the books), took all the classes, and spoke endlessly to my doctor about my pregnancy and delivery. Despite all this, nothing could really prepare me for the Labor & Delivery experience. So to all you to-be-parents out there, take note, here are the things no one will ever tell you.

1. Take your birth plan... and throw it out the window. I had a birth plan, it included natural labor progression, an epidural, and the wonderful moment of holding my daughter for the first time after she was born. In reality, I had to have a scheduled c-section, ended up having a terrible allergic reaction to the sedation and morphine, and didn't get to hold my daughter until five hours after she was born. But I wasn't upset, because the most important part of your birth plan is having the realistic expectation that it might not go quite as planned and remembering that in the end, the most important thing is that you and your baby are healthy. By the way, true story, the woman in the room next to me included handsome Greek gods feeding her grapes during her delivery in her birth plan. Don't know if it actually happened.
2. All modesty must be checked at the door. By the time you reach L&D, you will be so used to being poked and prodded after the last nine months worth of doctor's appointments that a group of nursing students staring at your lady bits will not bother you one bit. By the time I reached postpartum I wanted to get out of the hospital so bad that I agreed to let a nursing student remove my foley catheter (more on this in a bit) just so I could meet the mobility requirement for discharge.
3. You will get a foley catheter with all epidurals and spinals. In all reality, this was pretty great. I mean, I didn't even have to get out of bed to pee! So don't fear this, it might actually be the best part of delivery. You know, besides getting a baby out of the whole thing.
4. Your postpartum room will be busier than Grand Central Station, so don't expect to get any sleep. Nurses will be in and out all hours of the day and night. At one point I almost made my husband put up a "Do not disturb" sign. They'll be in to take vitals, make sure you're peeing, make sure you're eating, and make sure your baby is also doing all these things. The best part is when they come in to change your "dressing" and clean your lady bits. Oh yeah, that's right, you'll be surfing the crimson tsunami. Luckily, most nurses will let you take care of this part on your own. Also a word of advice, invest in overnight pads and granny panties. They'll be much more comfortable than the disposable undies and pads the size of Texas the hospital supplies.
5. Just because you're in the hospital doesn't mean you have to sport the oh so fashionable hospital gown. I felt so much better once I showered and changed into my own clothes. And your baby doesn't have to wear the weird kimono shirt things that do nothing but ride up their backs. Remember, this is your child, you can dress them any way you want. I recommend onsies with mitten hands, without your child will look like they just competed in a backroom cock fight.
6. Finally, here are some of the best parts of L&D: room service, overnight nursery stays (do not feel guilty about this!), free discharge gifts (i.e. diaper bags, formula, diapers, and wipes), and the cute little bundle of joy.

So, a parting word of advice. Go into the whole experience with a really good sense of humor. You have the next 18 years to worry, L&D is a piece of cake compared to that!

Simple Pleasures

When I opened my can of coffee this morning and got that first delicious sniff, I started thinking of some of the other simple pleasures in my life...

• The first shoots of daffodils peaking through the ground in March.
• The feeling of getting into a freshly made bed.
• The first day of having my Christmas decorations up.
• The first day of not having my Christmas decorations up.
• Harvesting vegetables and flowers grown in my own garden.
• Turning the clocks forward so I'm no longer waking up before the sun.
• Finding an unexpected card or magazine in the mail.
• Winning an item at auction.
• The smell of scented candles burning.
• The feeling of walking in public when you know you are looking smoking hot.
• The sound of my high heels on pavement.
• The smell of a campfire.
• The silent stillness after a snow fall.
• Finding my bread dough has risen (even though that's what's it suppose to do!)

When I become a parent, I will never [fill in blank]

Before and during my pregnancy, I had a whole list of things I said I would never do when I became a parent. To all those would be parents out there uttering "My child will never do that," just stop now. Seriously, just stop.

1. I will never put my child in baby clothes that look like pajamas. Before I had Scooter, I thought the jeans and sweater look was absolutely adorable on babies. That was until I found out how much it cost. Oh yeah, and your child will likely grow at the rate of Yellow Grooved Bamboo, so just save yourself some money and shop consignment.
2. I will never let my child "cry it out." I always thought this was an excuse for parents to ignore their children. That belief lasted about 5 months, at which point I looked like an extra from Michael Jackon's Thriller video, but without all the cool dance moves. See my previous post on Health Sleep Habits, Happy Child to see how this worked out for me.
3. I will never give my child formula. "Formula is poison - it will cause nipple confusion and will make your milk supply not come in right," so said the lactation consultants. Since craigslist didn't have a listing for a Wet Nurse and my child was on the brink of hospitalization due to jaundice and dehydration, I went with formula and was able to eventually switch to exclusive breastfeeding with no problem. Weird.
4. I will never do the spit on the Kleenex, Kleenex to child's face mom move. Yeah, this one has been broken multiple times. Sometimes you just gotta work with what you have.
5. I will never buy my child needless amounts of toys. There was once a time when I hated my family room carpet. Solution? Cover it with massive amounts of baby toys. Which, by the way, your child will bore of in about 22 seconds. They will find lids and remote controls much more entertaining. So save yourself some time and money and just invest in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
6. I will never let my child watch TV. Broken about six hours after Scooter was born. Look, babies are cute and funny and all, but sometimes mama just needs a cup of coffee and an episode of Ellen.
7. I will never compare my child. Every parent is guilty of comparing their child to others, then worrying obsessively that their child is some how developmentally delayed. I was guilty of this when a friend's baby the same age as Scooter starting crawling and standing up at 6 months and Scooter could barely sit independently. I worried until, at 8 months old, Scooter beat up a four year old. That's my girl.

Wordless Wednesday - Maryland Barns

Hershey Pretzel Treats

Looking for something easy to make for the holidays? Here's a quick and easy treat.

Hershey Pretzel Treats

Yield: About 8 dozen

- Bag of small square pretzels (commonly called snaps)

- Two bags of Hershey Kisses

- One bag of M&Ms

1. Heat oven to 275 degrees Fahrenheit

2. Arrange pretzels on cookie sheet. Place one Hershey Kiss on top each pretzel.

3. Place in oven for approximately 5-6 minutes or until Kisses are soft but not melting.

4. Remove from oven and push one M&M into each Hershey Kiss.

5. Allow to cool for about six hours before storing.

The stink of caribou...

Disclaimer: This post is not commentary on the current political climate in America or my personal feelings on Sarah Palin.

Yes, I watch Sarah Palin's Alaska. I am fascinated by Alaska and for sh!ts and giggles I plan my dream vacation there in my spare time. In this week's episode, Palin and her father hunt for caribou in the northern most part of the state. As you can imagine, the internet has been ablaze with anti-hunting comments regarding the episode. I have no problem with hunting, I feel it is a necessity to keep wildlife populations in check, especially in my area where whitetail deer have no natural enemies unless you count the front bumper of my pickup truck. My husband and I hunt, our children will hunt, and hopefully their children will hunt. Every fall we fill our freezer with meat and eat every bit we put in there.

With all that said, I was appalled by this week's episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska. Not because they were hunting, but because of Palin's obvious lack of hunting experience. Supposedly she's been hunting for over 20 years, but here are some things that make me question that:

1. She goes into noted bear country to hunt caribou without her own gun.


2. When a caribou is spotted and within range, she asks her father if the rifle kicks.


3. She doesn't cycle the bolt herself after each missed shot.


4. When handed a new gun and told the safety is off, she immediately puts her finger on the trigger before getting set.


5. She didn't field dress the kill herself.

I know, I know, some of this could be due to editing. But the fact that Palin has stated she has final say in what is shown, I find it far more likely that editing was done to make it appear she shot the cow herself. I have no problem with novice hunters, but even the most green hunter should know basic firearm safety. I think most viewers would have found it much more endearing if she had admitted this was one of her first hunts.

Wordless Wednesday - Gettysburg