When I become a parent, I will never [fill in blank]

Before and during my pregnancy, I had a whole list of things I said I would never do when I became a parent. To all those would be parents out there uttering "My child will never do that," just stop now. Seriously, just stop.

1. I will never put my child in baby clothes that look like pajamas. Before I had Scooter, I thought the jeans and sweater look was absolutely adorable on babies. That was until I found out how much it cost. Oh yeah, and your child will likely grow at the rate of Yellow Grooved Bamboo, so just save yourself some money and shop consignment.
2. I will never let my child "cry it out." I always thought this was an excuse for parents to ignore their children. That belief lasted about 5 months, at which point I looked like an extra from Michael Jackon's Thriller video, but without all the cool dance moves. See my previous post on Health Sleep Habits, Happy Child to see how this worked out for me.
3. I will never give my child formula. "Formula is poison - it will cause nipple confusion and will make your milk supply not come in right," so said the lactation consultants. Since craigslist didn't have a listing for a Wet Nurse and my child was on the brink of hospitalization due to jaundice and dehydration, I went with formula and was able to eventually switch to exclusive breastfeeding with no problem. Weird.
4. I will never do the spit on the Kleenex, Kleenex to child's face mom move. Yeah, this one has been broken multiple times. Sometimes you just gotta work with what you have.
5. I will never buy my child needless amounts of toys. There was once a time when I hated my family room carpet. Solution? Cover it with massive amounts of baby toys. Which, by the way, your child will bore of in about 22 seconds. They will find lids and remote controls much more entertaining. So save yourself some time and money and just invest in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
6. I will never let my child watch TV. Broken about six hours after Scooter was born. Look, babies are cute and funny and all, but sometimes mama just needs a cup of coffee and an episode of Ellen.
7. I will never compare my child. Every parent is guilty of comparing their child to others, then worrying obsessively that their child is some how developmentally delayed. I was guilty of this when a friend's baby the same age as Scooter starting crawling and standing up at 6 months and Scooter could barely sit independently. I worried until, at 8 months old, Scooter beat up a four year old. That's my girl.