Untold secrets of L&D

I know about 83 million people having babies in 2011, many of whom are first time parents. This combined with the fact that my little Scooter is a month shy of her first birthday got me reflecting on that fateful March day. Now, anyone who knows me will tell you I love being prepared. I mean prepared in a way that I have a basement stocked with canned food, I mapquest and GPS all directions, and layout my clothing the night before. Yeah, that kind of prepared. So naturally when I found out I was expecting I read all the books (I mean ALL the books), took all the classes, and spoke endlessly to my doctor about my pregnancy and delivery. Despite all this, nothing could really prepare me for the Labor & Delivery experience. So to all you to-be-parents out there, take note, here are the things no one will ever tell you.

1. Take your birth plan... and throw it out the window. I had a birth plan, it included natural labor progression, an epidural, and the wonderful moment of holding my daughter for the first time after she was born. In reality, I had to have a scheduled c-section, ended up having a terrible allergic reaction to the sedation and morphine, and didn't get to hold my daughter until five hours after she was born. But I wasn't upset, because the most important part of your birth plan is having the realistic expectation that it might not go quite as planned and remembering that in the end, the most important thing is that you and your baby are healthy. By the way, true story, the woman in the room next to me included handsome Greek gods feeding her grapes during her delivery in her birth plan. Don't know if it actually happened.
2. All modesty must be checked at the door. By the time you reach L&D, you will be so used to being poked and prodded after the last nine months worth of doctor's appointments that a group of nursing students staring at your lady bits will not bother you one bit. By the time I reached postpartum I wanted to get out of the hospital so bad that I agreed to let a nursing student remove my foley catheter (more on this in a bit) just so I could meet the mobility requirement for discharge.
3. You will get a foley catheter with all epidurals and spinals. In all reality, this was pretty great. I mean, I didn't even have to get out of bed to pee! So don't fear this, it might actually be the best part of delivery. You know, besides getting a baby out of the whole thing.
4. Your postpartum room will be busier than Grand Central Station, so don't expect to get any sleep. Nurses will be in and out all hours of the day and night. At one point I almost made my husband put up a "Do not disturb" sign. They'll be in to take vitals, make sure you're peeing, make sure you're eating, and make sure your baby is also doing all these things. The best part is when they come in to change your "dressing" and clean your lady bits. Oh yeah, that's right, you'll be surfing the crimson tsunami. Luckily, most nurses will let you take care of this part on your own. Also a word of advice, invest in overnight pads and granny panties. They'll be much more comfortable than the disposable undies and pads the size of Texas the hospital supplies.
5. Just because you're in the hospital doesn't mean you have to sport the oh so fashionable hospital gown. I felt so much better once I showered and changed into my own clothes. And your baby doesn't have to wear the weird kimono shirt things that do nothing but ride up their backs. Remember, this is your child, you can dress them any way you want. I recommend onsies with mitten hands, without your child will look like they just competed in a backroom cock fight.
6. Finally, here are some of the best parts of L&D: room service, overnight nursery stays (do not feel guilty about this!), free discharge gifts (i.e. diaper bags, formula, diapers, and wipes), and the cute little bundle of joy.

So, a parting word of advice. Go into the whole experience with a really good sense of humor. You have the next 18 years to worry, L&D is a piece of cake compared to that!